Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Continuation, Original written on May 10th, 2014. 1:49am


I have been afraid. I have been afraid of love. I’ve been living under the delusion that it is one way when it is not. Love is just love. It is not the old ball and chain, or the horse and carriage. It doesn’t have to look on me the way it looks on others.

I am afraid that with love, life will stop. Society has told me it will. But with love, there will be oneness and an abolishment of duality. Life will not just NOT stop, but it will flow, and expand, and bring me closer to the core of myself, and therefor all beings.

I now realize that my mind has been tied up in mistruths, a dense and deep-rooted miseducation – and up until this point, up until this moment of waking up in a sweat, in the middle of the night, in Australia, on May 10th, 2014, my mind has been telling me that with love I have to conform. That with love I will have to ‘settle’, and begin moving through the motions. First you are free, and then you find someone, and you are not.

Intellectually, I have rejected the physical thoughts, the projection onto me, but there was so much to be undone. A 27-year-old garden – fucking full of weeds. I could tell myself as much as I wanted to, ‘you don’t want to live this way’, but underneath were old seeds, working against my truth. Tonight I see them, and I pull them out.

Love is greater. I don’t want to and don’t have to feel like a ‘wife’. I don’t have to be a wife. Period. I still remember how the men in the office at South Bay would react when someone told their wives were on the phone. I still remember the grins and the high fives when the mistresses would drop by. I kept my eyes on the computer screen, and told myself, you will never be the wife. I was 18 and my young soul was hurting, and it wasn’t just shields that came up with that ache, but weapons. I didn’t want to just protect myself; I wanted to play the game and fight. I don’t know why. Maybe my ego or upbringing, but that is what occurred. In that moment, I utterly rejected the idea of partnership. My young self also didn’t realize it’s not so black and white and that I worked with a bunch of assholes.

Bottom line is, I don’t have to feel lesser than a mistress. I don’t have to have children, or partake in any of the domestic white picket fence shit that makes me nauseous. I don’t have to be a traditional wife or push out offspring. I am and can be none of those things and still be love. And the souls that my soul is already bound with will understand this.

Life doesn’t have to stop or be a certain way. Our souls can continue to orbit this earth, explore together, grow together, and be un-uniform. We’ll see past the fog and past the unspoken laws. The souls that my soul is already interwoven with have been waiting for me to wake up 1:40am and realize with what ludicrous fear and social condition I’ve been living with!!! I didn’t see this.

Peeling, oh, peeling away the layers. The thickness of the untruth we’ve existed in. Traditions are truth for many, I am sure, but for me, it is hard to swallow. Love is life. Love is infinite. It expands, elevates, and wraps you up in the fabric that binds us all and through it you are never suppressed. And for some it may look like the picture that was painted for us, but not for me.

With love, I only go deeper into myself. It does not end things for me. It does not begin things for me. It runs in an infinite circle. It’s a reminder of the beautiful wholeness, the continuation. The continuation. The continuation. It just occurred to me.

I’ve been in love all along.















Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Dear Body - I am sorry.

I feel remorse.
I turned a blind eye to the abuse, and in doing so, made you my slave and not my partner. 
I used you to mask my pain, and then resented you for not being able to recover. 
For every moment of neglect and unawareness. 

For throwing you into starvation when I thought it would make the world love me. 
For the month of moonshine, top ramen, and peanuts, and then sprinting, bloodymad sprinting, until you hit the wall, dehydrated, throbbing, trying. Trying so hard for me. 
For the lack of balance. 

For the decade of birth control. 
For not resting and keeping you warm when you were so defeated and ill. 
Mostly I am sad for pushing you away instead of pulling you close in moments of disconnect. 
I am sorry I couldn't look at you. 

And mostly sad that I didn't see how lovely you are. 
Thank you for harbouring my soul and my spirit, and speaking to me with such patience.
As you always have.
I am listening now. 

#dearbody 




#dearbody is a declaration of love, a renewing of vowels. After more than a year of traveling, I found myself disconnected. I knew all too well that despite my efforts and my practice, the constant flux and absolute lack of structure and stability had been long taking a toll on my ability to check in and l-i-s-t-e-n, and it was creating suffering. 

One spring evening as I sat in the sand and enjoyed a sunset, I assigned my intellect and ego to draft a  letter to my physical and emotional body. This was the result. And although private, I feel compelled to share because this is my yoga. The journey is far from over, but this helped infuse the path with more love and compassion.



Monday, September 15, 2014




Natural Disasters


I alone cannot hold back the rivers of the world. 

Grant me permission to unclench my fists.


To avalanche, sprint, and downfall.

To wrap myself around you like wind arcs around an eagle’s wings.


I alone cannot subdue the storms of the world.

Like majestic sirens and sailors, I need


You to release your fingers into the poppy fields of my mane.

To sink your Titanic, and give way to this drunken dusk.


Like horizons take the sun.

Like horizons take the sun.


With ceaseless certainty.

Untiring and utterly undone.


Say you give into me.

Or take cover, and sound off

                                
The alarms.








Thursday, July 17, 2014

Filming My 10th Episode for Yoga Today



This past Monday I filmed my 10th episode with Yoga Today. It's my 3rd year joining the Yoga Today team in the beautiful state of Wyoming - a magnificent place I may otherwise never have had the pleasure to see and experience as much as I have! Jackson never fails to take my breathe away - the nature here is spectacular, and I am overwhelmingly grateful to be a part of Yoga Today and have the continued opportunity to keep spreading yoga around the world via the world wide web! Visit www.yogatoday.com for full length classes!

Today we finished filming a few yoga "quick tips" and then practically flew off the mountain due to a crazy influx of bugs. I have never seen so many flying creatures in one place, and now I'm using every bit of my discipline to not scratch the bites. If Marisa and I (today's beautiful yogi extra) look like we are twitching in the new videos, it is because we are being eaten alive, and pretending like it is not happening. Oh the adventures of filming outside! 

I have one more full day left in Jackson, and then I fly back to Orange County. I will be teaching my last two classes at The Yoga Mat in Anaheim on Sunday, July 20th - Level 1/2 at 9:00am (subbing for Louise) and a Level 1 at 10:3am. If you are in the area, I hope that you can join me. It will be very special to teach those classes - right before I take off again! Then two days later I head back down under. I will be spending about a week visiting and enjoying Sydney and then I return to Perth, where starting August, I will be teaching a full schedule at Hayley Schmidt's BeyondBeing Power Yoga Studio in Subiaco. Once I know my schedule, I will post it on here and on Facebook.

I am so excited for everything that the future holds, and there is much greatness going on RIGHT NOW. At times it can feel over-stimulating, which is why I constantly remind myself that it is of utmost importance to slow down and find time for meditation! And find time to write! And sleep ... 

The Producer & Director
My annual Yoga Today van photo.
Marisa, our beautiful and super strong yogi-extra.





Thursday, July 3, 2014

What is important to you?


As I handed the officer my licence and registration yesterday, I knew two things; he was a dick (sorry but not sorry, it was sort of ridiculous) and the Universe was asking me to slow down. I wasn't speeding, but I heard the message right away; slow down MonaBear.

It has been an fiery whirlwind from the moment that my plane landed at LAX over a month ago - from  a cross country trip that ended in an accident, to playing the most ruthless game of catch up ever + the array of emotions that came along with finally coming back to visit. It's been all-consuming. 

The people-pleaser in me has been struggling to find time for everyone and everything, and all things considered, I've been doing alright. However, yesterday I heard the alarm sound off. I was sleep-deprived, disoriented, and out of sorts. And as I watched the officer walk away with my information, I caught a glimpse of myself in the side-mirror. I looked exhausted. I am no good to anyone like this.

I'm listening. I am listening.

I've been practicing, reconnecting to the studios, but meditating very little. I've been hiking with friends and relaxing in many ways, but spending very little time alone, which I have learned that I absolutely need in order to recharge and thrive. It might seem off, but sometimes relaxing with other people still takes it out of me. So today I have locked myself in my old bedroom to write and give myself some tender love and care. 

As I gain awareness through my ongoing years of practice, I've naturally become more sensitive. It's a sensitivity I worry other people will perceive as selfishness or lack of care. I think this is what stops me from taking care of myself. But again, how valuable  is my service if I am not really there - physically, emotionally, with 100% of my heart. The reality is, I am not going to be able to do everything I wanted to do. There will be people I will not have a chance to see or not see as much as I would have liked to. And then there are things I don't want to do and need to learn to say no to.

I am grateful for this beautiful time back home. I have been showered with love. Stepping away from the life that I created and then stepping back into the residual waves of it has shown me how powerful every seed we plant is. It is also teaching me how to manage my energy and where I tend to be most rattled and rocked. As the wind has picked up, and I feel swayed in every which direction, it has challenged me ground my feet, to dig my roots into the earth, and ask myself, but what is important to you?

On a more logistical note, I am excited to announce that I will be reconnecting with the Yoga Today team in Wyoming before I fly to Sydney on the 22nd of July. This leaves me very little time in California. I have made the promise to myself to slow down, so that it doesn't pass me by, with me not really being here here. In result, I suspect that I may appear even more MIA. I ask for understanding, from others, but mostly, mostly from myself.

With love, I leave you with this: 

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”
― Paulo CoelhoThe Zahir 





Playing with transitions at Yoga Shakti - where I trained. Very relevant, as my whole life feels like a massive transition right now :)

New Class +New Quick Tip!



For full length classes visit www.yogatoday.com. I am also happy to announce that I will be rejoining my Yoga Today team in BEAUTIFUL Wyoming to create some new material in a little less than two weeks! So excited for this time, and unlike the last two years, my goal is to be a little more diligent about blogging whilst there! Can't wait to share this experience!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Friction Vs. Fiction


I remember the moment when, in a Holdenism sort of manner, I decided there are two kinds of people in this world: those who are here to experience it, and those who, unbeknownst to themselves, will work as an enigmatic vessels for reconstruction.

The ‘experiencers’, they will live. Oh how they will live. They will laugh, and cry, and have babies. They will succumb to the monotonous cyclical obligatory patterns of society. And life will spin them like a pair of sneakers in a LG SteamWasher. They will spin until they can’t hold on anymore. They will spin until they crash. Chemical biological phenomena will occur.

The earth will take a deep breath.

It is a beautiful process, too much for words, too much for song, too much for film, too much for books. Then, slowly, the washer will start to turn again, and they will want pets, and host family BBQ’s, and argue about the color of their bedroom wallpaper. And they will make love. And they will make hate. And everything will feel far grander than reality. How I bloody envied these people. Although I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted what they had, nothing is as appealing of a thing or idea or person that is deemed taboo, or completely unavailable. And as I shuffled my feet to an old folk song, and bore the weight of my glued-on smile, I knew in that moment that it was the truth: all that life was not for me. I was not an ‘experiencer.’

The music slowed, and I made my way to a chair and sat down. A few grandmothers aside, I was one of the few sitting. I contemplated Universal shifts, and wondered if it was all too much to shoulder. My heart felt heavy, but in case someone took notice, I kept my smile. I watched the men turn the women by their hips. I watched the women throw back their heads and laugh. And it made me happy and sad all at once. A few slow songs later, I still sat there, uncomfortably grinning. Don't give yourself away. I don’t care that I am the only young girl sitting. This will be easier when you are older, I told myself. People won’t stare. I don’t care.

And that’s when he grabbed my hand, pulled me up, in, and close. His breath smelled of a man who’d surrendered his mind to the open bar. His hands were sweaty, sweaty on my ass. He was older, and I wondered how long he’d been watching me. Maybe it’s not a pity dance if they’re old enough to be your father. I let him nuzzle his face on the curve of my neck, closed my eyes, and as he spun me around, I tried to forget, tried to forget that enigmatic vessel, the task that I was utterly clueless about. I tried to forget the man I once I loved. I tried to forget I had to let it all go. Let it all go.

The vessels. They have to let go, or get dragged. Get dragged to every pivotal life event where they feel out of place, and obediently hang around in some corner at their sibling’s wedding. Constant, subtle, numbing, dulling reminders - this is not for you. Inevitably, these vessels will drown themselves in work. Where else do you hide? They’ll blame their work, their boss, their passion. And the experiencers, they will resent. You were absent. You didn't care. But it’s not true. The often-unconscious signs of simply passing through this world are not without consequence and pain. Some will do their part, and drink themselves do death. Some will overdose. Some will just die, alone. When their work is done. Unbeknownst to themselves. Done.

I remember that moment, I knew, but still, still I closed my eyes and pretended that drunken clown wasn’t wired to walk away. I closed my eyes and reformed the temperature of his body, the scent of his skin, and our fundamental difference. Experiencer. Vessel. For a millisecond, I imagined myself unaware, laughing, drunk, spinning around on the dance floor, stupidly happy - like everyone else.